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【雅思作文批改】5分：过于口语化，注意语法

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• 01

  政府应该对铁路比公路花钱？ 这位同学整体架构比较完整，但是口语化比较严重，语法错误比较多，基础不够扎实，需多多练习。最终得分4.5-5分，还有很大的进步空间。
  
  
  
  
  作文题目:大作文：剑11Test1大作文
  
  
  Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
  
  作文内容：
  
  Traffic problem has disturbed government for a long term,as a lot of measure [b1] have been taken to solve that, [b2] there are still some problems remained,m[b3] any people say that government should spend more money on rail rather than road,but i can not[b4] totally agree with this opinion.
  
  Railway, comparing [b5] with road,has larger capacity to load [b6] goods or people,and it is also a good choice for long-distance travel.One of the advantages of rail is that you will never meet a traffic light or jam on your way to the destiny[b7] .Government have invest [b8] a lot to make it more safe[b9] and convenient[b10] ,but sometimes it [b11] still makes trouble for people when it is at[b12] peak time;[b13] such as Spring Festival in China,there are even not enough tickets for those passengers who want to go home and [b14] they have to stay in the waiting room for a long time.So more basic facilities or more trains are needed to serve such a large number of people and increase the degree of comfort in passenger s [b15] journey.
  
  On the contrast,road ,as another way that frequently used,is more flexible than railway,b[b16] ut things changed when traffic condition is poor,ad [b17] people nowadays spend a lot of time on traffic jam due to the increasing number of private cars,especially in those major cities.In order to figure this problem,government should invest to build more roads like [b18] overhead-roads to release the traffic stress ,so that the air quality[b19] in cities will improve a lot ,too.[b20]
  
  Overall,fund [b21] are needed in both of areas,but it is not wise to say that more money should be used in rail or road,it must according [b22] to the circumstance.
  
  [b1]measures
  [b2]but
  [b3]注意断句，Many
  [b4]写作中是cannot
  [b5]compared
  [b6]transfer
  [b7]destination
  [b8]has invested
  [b9]safer
  [b10]more convenient
  [b11]指谁？
  [b12]改成during
  [b13]符号不对
  [b14]又是连接谁？
  [b15]passengers
  [b16]另起一句，大写
  [b17]？
  [b18]这是口语用词
  [b19]和空气质量有关这个逻辑在哪里？
  [b20]口语
  [b21]funds
  [b22]情态动词后用原形
  
  
  各项细评：
  
  
  
  
  针对问题最大的一点指出问题：
  
  改这篇文章感觉像是改口语段子，因为口语化的说法很多，最大的问题是简单语法错误和复杂语法中句子的断句。句子可以写长，但长句也遵循语法规则，需要连词或者合适的代词。需要系统学习语法。
  临考前建议整理一下论点思路，考场发挥尽量不要出大的语法错误就可以了。
  
  
  
  附批改原图：
  
  
  
  
  
  
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